The Three Way Mirror- By Kimchi Blow

Staring into the 3-way mirror, I was disappointed at what I saw—tight creases in my pant legs, bulges of fat over my waistline, and to top it off, a zipper that would not close. Tears welled up in my eyes and beads of sweat began to roll down my back. I worked off quite a bit of energy trying to squeeze myself into the 10th pair of pants that afternoon. Taking in a deep breathe, I told myself, “Relax, you just had a baby, it has only been 4 months, and give yourself time.” But for some reason, the more I tried to reason with my self pity, the more it won over. Swallowing hard, I began to gather my things together and tried to work up enough courage to find something else to wear. Just then, from the dressing room beside mine, I overheard a young woman ask the sales associate for another size, “Ma’am, could you get the next smaller size for me, I think I need a size 2, please.” I thought, “A size 2!” As I glared at the size tag inside the pants that I just took off. I wanted to scream! Frustrated over what I just heard, I stuck my tongue out at her from behind the wall that separated us, and I mimicked her under my breath, “A size 2, please, a size 2, please! I am so small and petite, I must have a smaller size—a size 2, please!!”

Obviously, I knew this was not the most mature way in handling my insecure feelings or envy, but it felt good at the time. In my mind, I was the silent spokeswoman for all the insecure women in the world overweight. I just gained a point of victory, even though no one would ever know of my valiant efforts that day. But, I knew, and suddenly, I felt empowered. My pants dilemma was now far from my mind as I felt compelled to reward the noble cause I just took on. So off to Starbucks I went, feeling invigorated and renewed.

While standing in line, I gazed at the magazines and waited patiently. Then came my turn to order; the bubbly red-haired teenager behind the counter asked me what I needed. “Give me your Grande, Mocha Java Chip Frappucino please, with extra whip cream!” I smiled inside, as I remembered why I was rewarding myself. After all, I was the next Joan of Arc of this generation, here to represent all the overweight women in the world! The world was mine, and I could conquer anything or anyone who came my way. At about that time, a beautiful slender woman, probably in her mid-twenties, walked up to the counter and placed her order. She smelled divine and elegance adorned her from head to toe. Her make-up was perfect, her nails polished, and her outfit was one that showed off her small trim waistline and figure. There was no doubt in my mind she was an attractive woman, but at the same time, I could feel those feelings of inadequacy start to rise up again inside me. In a sweet, gentle voice, she asked the barista, “Could I have a small, no fat, sugar free latte and hold the whip cream, please?”

“Uhhhhhh!!!” went through my mind as I questioned why she would hold the whip cream. Isn’t that best part? A fleeting notion came to my mind; she was probably the woman who was in the dressing room beside mine. Again, I allowed the woman’s voice to ring in my memory as I heard her say repeatedly, “ a size 2 please!” My emotions were stirring once more and I just stood there withdrawn for a while, lost in my thoughts. Suddenly, I felt a tap on my shoulder. The young lady who just ordered her diet latte wanted my attention. “Excuse me, I think they are calling your order, hun. You ordered the extra whip cream, right?” I quickly gained my composure and abruptly replied, “I sure did!” and quickly grabbing my frappucino, I stormed out of there.

Finally, I was alone with no one to irritate me. I got into my car and turned on the radio, hoping to distract my mood. But instead of listening to the gracious music, I only dwelled on what I was feeling. What was wrong with me? Why was I acting this way? All of a sudden, every beautiful slender woman was suddenly my enemy. I knew this was not right, but yet, I felt anger at all of them. I became puzzled with how I was reacting. I eventually turned off the music and drove in silence the rest of the way home. The only sound heard came from my straw searching for the last bit of liquid it could consume and properly feed my dry desperate soul. In that moment, I found contentment from my frozen drink. It seemed to calm me down, eluding me of my fears, insecurities, and harsh doses of reality of my heart condition. The sugar itself healed me almost immediately from my exhaustion. The smooth creamy feeling on my tongue and throat felt relaxing—almost soothing to my heart. Not to mention, all the chocolate chip chunks that filled my stomach made me feel full and satisfied. For a while, I allowed myself to just enjoy the silence and my state of being.

And then they came. Tears began flowing like a river, and I could do nothing to stop them. All my inhibitions for that afternoon came flooding out. The harshness in my heart became exposed. I released every emotion of inadequacy, disappointment, and envy from deep within me as I finally allowed myself to just deal with my heart’s struggle. Somehow, I felt better as I wiped the last cleansing tear away. I thought for sure that I looked like an idiot as I drove home blowing my nose and wiping my tears away frantically at every traffic light I came to. But, I did not care, because I felt a peace that filled me from the inside out as I became real with myself. Wiping the last tear away, I reached down to stuff my dirty tissues into my empty Starbucks cup that I just polished off 5 minutes before my meltdown. I chuckled to myself, because I realized that due to my circumstances, my heart needed a few super-sized orders of that beverage to quench what I was feeling. I humored myself further by realizing that my cup was not only empty, but it now only served as a trash container for my emotions.

I placed the radio back on and listened to the words that poured out of the speakers and straight into my heart. “There is only grace, there is only love, there is only mercy of the Father, and believe me, that is enough.” Unexpectedly, a smile formed on my face. But, this time, it was not one formed from pride, but instead, it was one that came with a sense of knowing God was changing me and allowed me to accept who I am—faults and all. So the next time I stand in front of a 3-way mirror, I will see a new image cast in the reflection of who I truly am.

God desires us to know that He accepts us and loves us no matter what we look like, think or feel. His desire is to teach us these truth that are by identifying ourselves with Him and His truths. So, the next time you have a day when you are not feeling your best, lean on God and He will comfort you.