Hope and Infertility........By Christina Blow ..GUEST BLOGGER

Hope. My husband and I spent many years hoping for a child. I spent many days crying over negative tests. Being childless is a choice for some; for us it was the albatross. After years of waiting, doctors became extremely intimate with my body. Blood was drawn every other day, uncomfortable examinations marked half of each month, embarrassing procedures became routine. Our arms remained empty. We conceived, but those children were quickly born to heaven. I ached for the children we lost, I ached for any child. My husband was not open to adoption.

Our friends and family tried to support us. So often I heard, “There’s always next month.”, “We know you’ll have a child.” “Why don’t you JUST adopt” “Are you going to try again?”. I tried to smile through it, but I was angry with God. I felt isolated from almost anyone around me. It seemed like very few understood what I was feeling, or how to reach out to me. Why couldn’t people see that they can’t KNOW we’ll have a child? Only God knows! Adoption isn’t easy, and it wasn’t something we wanted. Next month? That won’t replace the child I lost before getting to know! Seeing a baby or a pregnant woman was like a knife shooting through me. Walking past baby and children’s clothes in a store could bring tears to my eyes. Hearing little voices in the background when a friend called stung my soul.

An on-line support group for Christian women with infertility and loss became my life-line. Through hannahsprayer.org I made friends, no, I met sisters in Christ, who understood. They cried with me, let me rant and rave, rejoiced. They understood what the fertility drugs were doing to my body and emotions. They understood how my heart ached.

In the midst of my pain I started reaching to God, begging Him to show me WHY this had to be so hard for us. WHY I felt so isolated. I did not like the answer He gave me, but it renewed my hope. As I read through the Bible I kept realizing that God made us to serve others. “Uhm, excuse me, God”, I thought, “I’m telling You I need more, not that I want You to give me more. This isn’t what I wanted to hear.”

I was not serving others at all. I had all kinds of excuses . . . from it hurts too much to I don’t know when my next doctor’s appointment is so I can’t commit. When serving finally won over something miraculous happened. God knew what I needed to hear. My wounds and anger started to heal. I started to connect with others and didn’t feel isolated. Insensitive comments didn’t hurt, they HELPED because I looked at the intention behind them.

Serving others wasn’t a huge commitment. Serving others just involved listening to their pain instead of focusing on my own. It meant remembering a prayer request, giving someone a hug when they looked like they needed one, giving a flower to a friend who was having a rough time. I’m not good at those things, they don’t come naturally to me. I’ve gotten better with practice, and I hope God teaches me how to truly lay my life down to serve others, to learn to humble myself. The hope we have is in Him and we find that hope and joy through Him. When you start following His call your troubles melt into something less; you become a part of something more.

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Christina Blow:
Christina Blow likes sharing  her encouraging testimony with infertility and the hope she gained through the process. She is married to the man of her dreams and prayers. After being blessed with her husband, she has stayed home to care for him, her dog, their three cats and now their two rambunctious sons. Juggling the duties of a mother , kindergartner ,home-schooled preschooler keeps her time more than filled. She lives in Chagrin Falls, Ohio with her family.
hannahsprayer.org