Abandoning a Mother's Heart ..........by Kimchi Blow

As the lights blinked on the machine over my infants head and the alarms sounded, I silently watched him gaze at the enormous x-ray machine that was scanning his brain. I took a deep breathe as my heart was torn between trusting God or giving into the fear of what those x-rays might display. I picked up Nathaniel when they were finished and held him tight in that cold, sterile room. I kissed his little cheeks and told him how much of a blessing he was to me. In My heart, I knew God was already using him in his young life. He just looked up at me with his beautiful blue eyes ,cooing with a smile. A tear rolled down my cheek because in that moment, I knew he was God's. I was only a temporary caregiver for him in this life. What an honor I thought as I cherished the moment.

God allowed me to give birth to Nathaniel Jacob, on December 23rd, 2006 at 9:45 p.m. at Winn Army Hospital in Savannah, GA. Like my other children's  birthdays, I relished all the newness that came with a newborn. Hope was on the horizon of life then and anything was possible. Holding Nathaniel was like holding a dream in the palm of my hands. I had to  only imagine that God feels the same when He made each of us. Nathaniel  was perfect in every way. His hair was barely visible with a tint of dark brown, his eyes were as blue as the ocean, and his skin was as smooth as silk. His smell was like the scent of angels in the presence of God, just heavenly and captivating.

But there we were 3 months later in the Radiology department of the Army hospital. I remembered thinking, “How did we get here?” Nathaniel was so small and vulnerable then. Honestly, thinking back, I was scared! With my other two children, I never had to deal with anything other then the occasional skin knee or bump on the head;but not this, tests and more tests, specialists and more specialists. My heart raced each time I had to make a new appointment for him. But yet, I knew God was with Nathaniel and I. I  remembered hearing God’s still quiet voice telling me to trust Him and to allow myself to submit to the process, for this was not necessarily about Nathaniel, my baby, or even me. In fact, I knew innately, it was about something bigger, God’s Kingdom! I was in the process of learning to trust God and abandoning myself .

God quickly reminded then, how I would pray,” Lord, use me for your glory!" I laughed, but then I thought, " Yeh, but not like this Lord!" Be careful what we pray, right? We should be thinking, " Your will be done Lord, not mine!"

It is always about His Kingdom and never about us. It is about God, every single minute of the day. But yet we miss it so easily because we get caught up in ourselves, our circumstances, emotions and fears. Psalm 46:10 says, “To Be still and Know I am God." How do we still our hearts before the Lord, when everything inside us wants to run and hide? How do we trust a God in heaven we don't see, but we have to obey? How do we get out from beneath our own reigning crowns and serve Him? These are not easy questions to answer, but it begins with abandoning ourselves. Dying to self!

Abandonment is defined as to withdraw one’s support or help from, in spite of duty. In that particular season, I learned to abandon myself in a way I had never known before. I had to submit my precious son to this process of abandoning Him as a mother and submitting Him to the Lord. Perfect example is Abraham and Isaac. I saw that story more clearly as I had to place Nathaniel up on the altar of grace. Everything in me wanted to take him down and run, but I knew that God’s thoughts and ways were always higher then my own. God uses our circumstances as a testing of our faith, to stretch us into places where we would dare not travel on our own. If left to us, we would have flabby faith muscles, but when leaving it to God; we can move mountains in front of us. This is what I knew He did for me then. It hurt, but in the end, I am stronger because of it. 

Well, Nathaniel just celebrated his 3rd birthday! He is a happy, vivacious, strong willed little boy! He is a complete joy as he challenges me daily with his persistence to live life his way! God was faithful to us during that time. I learned a lot as a mother back then, but more so as a daughter, who learned to trust and abandon her heart to her Heavenly Father’s love and care. It was worth it! God always is...